i am a failure in expressing sympathies in times of death even if i actually and sincerely mean it. the idea of the death of a loved one is just something i have not come to terms with and the pain of losing a loved one is unimaginable for me that perhaps my brain and my entire body refuse to understand it, thus, my usual “speechless, motionless and expressionless” behavior, or something like it, during these times. (borrowing the words of my king midas)
last week, my maid of honor lost her mother, who is my godmother in my wedding. needless to state (and notwithstanding that my “sisterhood” with my MOH sadly lost its way the past years and is currently and awkwardly a work in progress), she is one person who will always be special to me. thus, if there is one time that i cannot fail in expressing my sympathies and my love, it must be this one. (or at least, it should start from this).
i made sure that i was present every single night of the wake (that is, of course, from the time i learned of it) and at the funeral. during those times, i consciously ensured that i was one of the last, if not the last, “non-relative” to leave her side. i hugged her tight every time i left. i texted and checked her yesterday, on the 9th day of her mommy’s death. i had these thank-you cards rushed for her and her sisters (the first line of which i "lifted" from her touching eulogy to her mom)
i do not know if i have done enough to make her feel how much i deeply sympathize; how much i love her and how i will stand by her in every difficult moment of her life but this is BIG for the me who is speechless, motionless and expressionless in times of death and for the me who gave up on our friendship years ago. i would like to give myself a pat on the back but really, i am just hoping that even a BIT of what i feel went through because the truth is, she means a lot to me.
Z
Z
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